The day after....

We are so blessed by your love and your support as our hearts are hurting. We have read every blog comment...every fb post and prayer...you have no idea how much those are sustaining us...we have an army flooding the gates of heaven on our behalf and the Lord is answering your prayers.  

So much of this doesn't even seem real. 48 hours ago, we were nesting...we were preparing for our baby girl that was to be born soon...at 11:54 am yesterday all of that came to an end..."Can I come over...I want to talk to you in person...." "what...what's wrong" ... "she's gone Stacy...she's with Jesus" ... 

12 hours later...it's midnight...I'm exhausted...I'm in shock...I need to sleep...I want to sleep if only for a bit because that would mean I wouldn't feel this pain...I was wrong...that was the most painful night I've ever had...I tossed and turned all night...was I awake or asleep...I'm still not sure...I had the song Need You Now by Plumb playing over and over in my head...I found myself with every turn crying out to the Lord...I NEED YOU NOW...I need you now Jesus...

He is meeting us here...He is loving us...comforting us...I know we have to go through this process but it sucks...

Up and out of bed 5 hours later...I'm going running with my girls this morning...my prayer warriors but I decide I just can't do it so we ditched our run and cried over pancakes ;) LOVE you girls...thank you for crying with me...thank you for sitting quietly...thank you for the laughter.

Now what for the rest of this day...a boutique...bleck...I have to try to pull myself together and go to a boutique....I just emailed the below message to a precious friend...one of the very first one's to hear about our girl...to cry with me...to pray for us...

i was so sad to hear that you came today and i wasn't here...the last place i wanted to be was at that boutique...it was so hard to be there...hard to smile and share our story....hard to see people i know and cry all over again...so painful to share my 'sample' jewelry that had my Zemirah's name and the word 'joy' all over it...i went for my trinity...my sweet girl who crafted her heart out last week...my sweet girl who is really struggling with all of this...trying to give her something normal or distracting while all along i wanted to be home holding my babes and in my hubby's arms.

i'm exhausted...my emotions are all over the place...sobbing...angry...despairing...to feeling nothing at all...back to weeping for my baby girl....this sucks!!!!

then i walk in the front door and my beautiful friend who knows me better than she thinks she does brought me my comfort food...left me a precious letter...i love you...thank you for loving on me...thank you for recognizing she was our baby even though she was never in our arms!!!

Our precious Lord is here with us...He is comforting us...He is bringing us answers to some of our 'why's'...He is here!  He is using many of you to remind us that He is in this.

Devastated...our girl....

Our hearts are deeply hurting...

Our dreams of our sweet babe in our arms have been destroyed...

Our precious baby Zemirah is in the arms of Jesus.

She went home to be with the Lord on Sunday, October 7th.

We are all aching but we are trusting in the Lord's plan and His will.

We are confused...trying to understand while knowing we will most likely never understand...

We are stuck in a place of uncertainty...what do we do now?  We went from the excitement of planning for the arrival of our joy girl and in an instance, all of that has stopped and has been replaced with deep hurt....

No words...just aching right now....

Waiting on the Lord...

You know...waiting is NOT my favorite thing to do! And for anyone that has traveled down the road of adoption knows exactly what I'm talking about.  It's hard to wait...you wait on your spouse, you wait on your paperwork, you wait on your agency, you wait on your country or birthmother...wait, wait, wait, and WAIT some more!!!

With all this waiting, you'd think I would be very productive and get something done but nope....I sit around and wait....which is a lot like waiting for a pot of water to boil...GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN and do something for crying out loud! But no...I sit there watching the pot of water...I get excited when even the tiniest bubble floats to the top then I get grumpy when no more bubbles appear

...but WAIT...I see something happening at the bottom....stink, nothing!  I turn away for a minute and lots of baby bubbles begin to form but nothing major...COME ON!!!! I want the roaring, big, bubbly bubbles....let's get this thing on the road so I don't have to wait any more!

Then my sweet Lord gently whispers to my soul, "Wait on me...trust in me...put your hope in my promises...be strong my sweet girl... persevere...endure...for what I have for you is far greater than you can imagine. If I show it to you now, the best part of the blessing will be spoiled...trust Me, it's worth the wait"

Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

I love the second part of the verse....he's like...'HEELLLOO...YES.....I SAID WAIT FOR THE LORD!!!'

The journey to our precious Zemirah has us in an unusual waiting period...we don't know for sure when our girl is due...could be 6 weeks...could be 10 weeks...long complicated story so we wait and we just may be very surprised when she decides to arrive :) We are ready and excited...bmama is ready and excited.  So we wait...and wait....and wait....trusting in God's perfect will and timing...trusting that His ways are not mine!  Waiting for the big, beautiful, bubbly bubble :)

After I wrote this post I was telling a friend that I was praying that she would find joy in the wait, the Lord immediately spoke to my heart...I'm talking goosebumps and then tears...We have said all along that the word to best describe our journey to Zemirah would be JOY.  With all that has taken place these last couple weeks...things I can't share...but concerns for her safety...I found myself thinking, "Lord where is the joy in this?"  God so clearly spoke to me this morning through my prayers for my friend..it was crystal clear...FIND JOY IN THE WAIT STACY!!!  FIND JOY IN THE WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!

"Step back and see"

The Lord quickly spoke to my heart today as I was tying to manage our 3-ring circus school day...some days are smooth sailing...some days I'm a ping pong ball bouncing from one kid to the next...today...I was a ping pong ball with a spin ;P

He whispered, "Step back and see....see what a blessing this is....this will only last a short season so soak it in now!"

I did...I stood back...grabbed my camera...I honestly could not believe what I saw through my camera lens...children everywhere...MY CHILDREN everywhere...my treasures...my gifts from the Lord...what a blessed mama I am....

Even if the 14 month old is sitting the middle of the table eating crayons and coloring in everyone's school books...

THIS IS WHY I HOMESCHOOL!!!
To be with my kids...for my kids to be with each other!!

To embrace that the 'lesson' is in the baby...the 'lesson' is how to minister to each other...

Lord, thank you for this amazing reminder...Thank you for gently telling me to step back and to see all that you have blessed me with...thank you for allowing all of these firecracker children to be ours...thank you for calling us to homeschool......

HER name ... 12 weeks to go ...

Yes...HER name...I realized I have been neglecting my blog...stupid facebook ;)

We found out our sweet one is going to be a girl.  We are so excited!!

Then commences the name game...Paul and I take naming our kids very seriously and it usually takes us FOREVER....and EVER....and EVER!!!!

As we were talking through names, I decide to reflect on what one word represented each journey to our kiddos and here is what I came up with....

Timothy - LOVE

God had blessed us with great love for each other and we wanted to have a child to share that with...

Trinity - HOPE

our hearts longed for another baby & every part of our being desperately hoped for another child.

Isaac - PATIENCE

his journey was a test of patience because I nearly went crazy every day waiting for 'the call'

Cana - ENDURANCE

endurance is just the tip of the iceberg with her journey but we continually felt challenged to endure her journey in a way that would honor the Lord...even when we were hurting so deeply.

Solomon - PEACE
we knew from the very beginning that we were going to need to be at the feet of Jesus the entire time clinging to the peace that He promised He'd give for the journey ahead us.
Sarah - TRUST
Her story is super unique and we've chosen to keep much of it private for now but we knew the only way we would survive her journey was to put ALL of our trust in the Lord...that His plans were perfect...

Jubilee - CELEBRATION

our journey was short to our sweet Jubilee...our surprise girl...we weren't in the adoption process...then the phone rang with the most amazing news...all we could talk about was how happy we were...the celebration of this sweet one has been incredible

As I was showing this to Paul, he started to write down the fruits of the spirit...it was amazing how it was all lining up...CRAZY COOL!  EXCEPT the 9th fruit of the spirit...

self-control...SERIOUSLY!! Well...that is a post for another day!!!!!!! Grrrrr...LOL...

Back to our sweet girl....
We have about 12 weeks until her due date...

We finally have a name...

We are becoming more attached to her every day...

The word that continually comes to us as we dream of our girl is...

JOY

She will be called....

Zemirah means 'joyous melody'...
Joylena...Lena is our precious bmama's name...
Jubilee's middle name is Lena after her bmama...
God made it crystal clear that her middle name would be Joylena...

Beautiful, precious Zemirah, we can't wait to hold you in our arms. We love you so much!!!

ETANTR: Sterling's journey

UPDATE: A note from Sterling's papa: As you know our sweet baby girl was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She had a rare tumor that in all likelihood will regrow and again press on her brain as well as reach new areas throughout her spine. The only treatment that can be offered to us here has a very low chance of helping and if she were to survive the cancer and the treatment she would have to live with severe long term effects. 

This post has been very hard for me to write because I know my sweet friend and her family's hearts are hurting so deeply. Honestly, I bawl every time I try...I cannot even begin to fathom the depth of the pain...their fear...their exhaustion...

Praising the Lord that they are clinging to Him!!

Meet beautiful, gorgeous, spunky, brave 2 year old Sterling...

2 weeks ago, Sterling was rushed into emergency surgery for a brain tumor. Two surgeries later, they were able to remove the tumor but the pathology report revealed the most devastating news possible.  Sweet Sterling has a rare, aggressive form of cancer...a cancer that is resistant to chemo...a cancer that rarely responds to radiation and Sterling's little body would not tolerate the amount of radiation needed. She has ETANTR which stands for Embryonal Tumor with Abundant Neuropil and True Rosettes.

Her family would covet your prayers for HEALING...for strength...for PEACE...for direction and wisdom for the unimaginable decisions they have to make for Sterling's care.

PLEASE follow Sterling's journey HERE.  Spread the word...pray...give...

They have set-up an account to receive funds HERE should you feel led to help them financially.

I have created a fundraising necklace for Sterling's family...please consider buying one...click on the pic. and it will take you to Jubilee's Jewels website to purchase it.

Sweet, beautiful Sterling...you are so loved! The Lord has you in the palm of His hands and He will NEVER let you go. You are perfectly and wonderfully created for His purpose. We are praying for God's miraculous healing on your sweet body. HUGS baby girl!!!

Birthmother Baby Shower

Hello my sweet friends!! We are about 4 months away from our newest peanut being born. The pregnancy seems to be going well and the baby is healthy and strong. Continued prayers for protection would be greatly coveted!

I have been asked by a few friends if they could throw us a baby shower...how blessed am I?? This will be treasure #8 and friends and family are still wanting to shower us...love it.

After much praying, we've decided to do something a little different...

Our hearts are very burdened for "L"...

We want to shower our birthmama!!  

Without going into too many details, I will simply say that we want our birthmama to feel loved...cherished...worthy...prayed for...supported...these are things she has not experienced very much in her life.  We are helping with some of her financial needs but we are realizing that some of her basic needs, like food, are not being met.

So here is our hope...we want to flood her with...
~cards of love and encouragement (doesn't have to be anything fancy)(you can even email me your little note & I'll put it in a card for you)
~a gift basket full of goodies that will make her feel special and pampered during the rest of the pregnancy (you can send items for the basket or I can pick them up)(do you sell Mary Kay...Scentsy...purses, etc.)
~gift cards to wal-mart so she can buy the food she needs and any other things she might need that we don't know about.

If you feel led to help us love on our baby's birthmama (she is also Jubilee's bmama), feel free to email me at wearechinabound@gmail.com.

This will be a 'virtual' show so feel free to contact me with any questions!!!  Our hopes are to send everything to her by early to mid-Sept.  "L" is 39 so that may help you as you decide what you'd like to bless her with.

You can also use the chip-in button on the right hand side and all those funds will go towards a gift card. If you do that, if you would be willing to email me a little note to her...I will put it in a card for you.

Can't wait to watch the Lord pour His love on her through each of you!!!

He remembers...

We haven't heard his sweet little chinese (minnan) voice in almost 2 years...he doesn't talk much about China and when he does, it's hard to tell if what he has shared really happened...

We will celebrate his 2 year gotcha in 5 weeks...we thought for sure he would continue to talk to us in minnan for several months (and hopefully longer) once we were home...but nope...once we landed on US soil, He chose to us charades to communicate and no words until he knew the english words....

He came to us at barely 4 years old...excited about having a mama & baba...he came running to meet us...dragging his nanny.  I will NEVER forget the huge smile on his face as he looked up at us for the first time...he has never looked back...

The orphanage director confirmed that there was no possible way for him to know mandarin so our sweet boy came to us with no ability to communicate with his new family....we didn't have the luxury of 2 weeks in China with a guide that spoke his language...talk about full immersion :) but he truly did incredible!

TODAY...today we had the gift of spending time with a precious friend who lives in China. She has played a HUGE roll in helping both of our kiddos home. She was the in-China warrior that the Lord used to help get Cana home...she was relentless in fighting for her...she again fought for us when a situation arose during Solomon's adoption...she has become a very, very dear friend of ours...our sweet Judy. She is in CA visiting and came to church with us this morning (along with her 10yr. old son, 15yr. old niece, and another incredible friend of ours, Sabrina).

Judy squatted down and started talking to Solomon in minnan....he turned pale, got goosebumps, quietly responded to her ...he then quickly hopped into daddy's arms...the look he had on his face was a look that I hadn't seen since we were in China on the orphanage visit.  The visit where he thought we were going to leave him...it brought back so many memories & emotions of those first few weeks. I can only imagine what was flooding through his little head.  We had spent several days with Judy in China with Solomon...the thought that our sweet boy, if even for a moment, thought she was there to take him back to China just levels my heart...oh my sweet son...you are ours FOREVER!!!

Judy looked at us and said, "he remembers...he remembers...he just responded to me in minnan!!"  It was all I could do to hold back the tears...our sweet boy remembers...2 years later he remembers...then as I watched his initial reaction...I started to wonder...what is he remembering?

I immediately praised him...we were all in shock...we honestly thought he had forgotten his birth language...he then hopped into my arms and started calling me "mama" in a baby voice.  I quickly realized that he needed reassurance that it was okay for him to talk in minnan and that I would still be his mommy and that daddy would still be his daddy. A sense of relief fell over his face and he begin to interact more with Judy IN MINNAN...we seriously just all stood there in amazement. He spent the rest of the day telling everyone we saw that he spoke chinese. It was so precious...he was so proud.

Oh my sweet little man...you are the most amazing gift...we love you so much and are so proud of you for feeling safe to remember.

Baby Wearing: to hold or not to hold

A couple of days ago I posted this status:
Children all over the world have to self soothe because they don't have the loving arms of a mama....2 of my children never had anyone to rock them to sleep...to wipe their tears...to kiss their sweet cheeks and to hear 'I love you'. I use to buy into the "let them cry it out" but never again. The season that our babes want to actually be held and cradled is short. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are holding your child too much...that is the most absurd statement...how could possibly love on your babe TOO much?? How could offering comfort, safety, love, and promoting healthy attachment & bonding be a bad thing? God designed our children to need us...they will be on their own soon enough...by holding your babies, your are giving the gift of security and assurance. Such a funny world we live it!


What prompted that fb status? My heart was burdened as I heard a young mama, with great pride, talking about how she is 'finally' letting her daughter cry-it-out. She shared about how the first night it took over 2 hours of her daughter crying before she fell asleep...then 1.5 hours of crying for her nap the next day....then 2.5 hours that night of crying...she was so proud of herself for not giving in and picking up her daughter.  My heart BROKE!!  Was I upset with her...absolutely NOT...society tells her that she is doing what's best for her and for her baby...and she desperately wants to do what is best for her daughter.

You see...I was that mama the first time around....dare I say, almost 15 years ago...man, seeing that in writing makes me feel very old!!! Everyone told me I was spoiling my son because I always held him...that he'd never fall asleep on his own if I always rocked him...that I would never have my own space because he would suffocate me with needing to be held all the time....that he'd never know how to be independent.  It was all well-meaning advice but it was wrong advice.

But being a first time mama and wanting to do everything right, I believed them. I sat on the other side of the door and wept as my baby wept and longed for his mama's arms to hold him....my arms longed to hold him...I remember asking my hubby, 'what am I doing...he wants me...he needs me...' needless to say, that put a quick end to our cry-it-out attempts.

I allowed older, well-seasoned, who honestly wanted-the-best-for-their-children mom's influence my better judgement for our family. I fell into the trap of 'they must know best'. But here is the bottom-line and the reason I am writing this blog post.....

~Only you know the dynamics of your family...only you know your child...if you don't want to have them cry-it-out, then DON'T...it's that simple. The Lord has entrusted you with your child, not your loving friends that are offering advice.  Be confident in your choice, either way and don't feel bad.  I felt so insecure in my decision and I don't ever want another mama to feel that way. Seek the Lord, He will guide you.
~Do I believe that the cry-it-out movement is bad...for my family, ABSOLUTELY...for your family...only you can determine what is best.
~Whether you let your child cry-it-out or not doesn't determine your depth of love for your child...nor does it mean that I think you love your child more or less...my purpose in this post is to offer support for those mama's who are struggling with this decision.

I will say that the cry-it-out method is very dangerous for children that have been adopted older than birth so I beg you to please pray before considering this method. Many have spent their first days...months...years...learning to self sooth and to cope on their own...learning that they don't need anyone in their lives. With lots of love, patience, and time, your job is to teach them...to SHOW them that they indeed do need someone to care for them, especially when they are scared and hurting. By allowing these kiddos to cry-it-out, you are confirming that you aren't going to be there when they need you. Nighttime is a very vulnerable time for most people, especially our kiddos that were adopted after birth.

I urge you to follow your heart and the Lord and be confident in your decision.

Baby wearing has become something very serious and special to our family. Understanding the need for our children to be able to safely explore their environment is also important to us, too Having a child with pretty significant sensory issues, we also know there is a balance...finding that balance will be individualized to each family.

Love your babies...hold your babies...rock your babies...wear your babies...God designed them to need their mama's...God designed you with a special love that only you can give...a special comfort that can only come from you...He also will guide you on the best way to care for your child.

Would you believe that 7 kids later...15 years (eekkk) later...people STILL tell me I hold my babies too much.  I just don't understand how you can hold your baby too much...so weird!!! She doesn't seem to mind being held and I DEFINITELY DON'T MIND holding my babes...I LOVE IT!!!!

Jubilee's Finalization

It is final...she is legally ours...she has been ours since the day she was placed in our arms...actually since the first moment we learned about her...but in the eyes of the legal system, she is now legally ours.

Sweet Jubilee girl, we love you so much. You have changed our lives on so many levels and we can't imagine our lives with out you. Happy Finalization Day girlie!!!

  

  

 Daddy and Mommy making it "official".

Celebrating at Krispy Kreme's of course ;)