the kids grieve....

Today I wake up feeling like I actually slept but I still feel so tired.  My body needed to rest but my heart and mind are still very in-tune with what has happened...they don't rest. The weight of this is so heavy...hard to carry but the world keeps spinning and we are being drug along. I think we are in the surreal phase of this grief. Is this really happening? YES...it is...now what are you going to do with it? I don't like being sad...I don't like crying...I don't like the headache that hovers over me continually...I don't think I have any more tears...to know that the Lord has caught every tear comforts me.

Our precious babes...we try to hide our tears from them but they see them. They are each grieving in their own way. You see....they LOVED their baby girl fiercely....they dreamed about her...talked about her every day...every decision was based on 'when Zemirah comes home'...they had the bedrooms all figured out...they 'discussed' daily about who would get to sit near her in the car...who'd feed her...who'd change her...

I open the door of our room after 'the call' came..after I called Paul...our oldest daughter was sitting in the play room...she begins to panic...she can see it all over my face...Paul was on his way so we could tell the kids...her tears are flowing..."Mom...what's wrong?  Please mommy...please tell me it's not about the baby...please mommy..." I call her into my room and we just hold each other and weep.

The grief was so intense it was suffocating...how are we suppose to tell the kids...it was just too hard but we manage to tell them what had happened to our girl.  Over the next several days, we can see their sadness...we can see them trying to understand and process something that we can't even process.

~It's not fair! Zemirah never got a chance to live...that makes me really mad.

~How did she get to heaven?  Who took her there? Will she stay in heaven forever?

~Daddy...I'm sad that our sister died.

~What did she look like?

~We're not just going to sit around here and cry all day, are we?

~Mom...(with crocodile tears falling)...can we keep Zemirah's stuff just in case she comes home?

~Mom, I wish our Zemirah wasn't dead because I know she would look so cute in that dress (a dress Jubilee was wearing). I want to see her wearing that dress.

~Mom, why does she have to be dead?

Their comments always come when we least expect it...just when I think we have a little peace and relief from hurting, one of them will say something.  Even our little ones could grasp that she didn't have to be home in our arms to be ours.

Zemirah girl...you will forever be our daughter...forever be their sister...we love you so deeply...we hurt because you aren't here with us but rejoice that you are safe with the Lord. We can't wait to have you in our arms forever.

Beauty and Joy in this...

"I want to believe there's beauty here...where Lord...where is the beauty...where is the joy?"

Then He gently whispers to me, "The beauty was in the life I created. Beauty is in the life that I brought home and is dancing around my throne. Remember...you named her Zemirah which means joyous melody...the beauty is in her joyous song.  The beauty is in your deep love for her...in her daddy's love for her...in her brother's and sister's love and longing for her to come home...in her family...in your friends love and weeping for her..."

It truly amazes me the conversations you can have with the Lord while you are sleeping. He is speaking so clearly.  He isn't removing all of the pain so we can grieve her but He is in the grieving...molding us...directing us...giving us peace and strength while allowing the pain.

Truths I cling to today...beautiful wisdom from friends:

*She was your baby. If she wasn't yours, whose was she? God gave her to you to love and to mourn her passing properly, who else would that tiny one have had if not you. So you cry and weep and what a privilege it is to do so in glory to God and in honor of her.

*She is loved and she is wanted... she was never an orphan because God gave her to her forever family and one day she will be united with her mama, with her daddy, and her brothers and sisters for all eternity and nothing will be able to separate you again...

Father, thank you for the short time we had dreaming of our girl...praying for our girl...thank you for giving me the most amazing beautiful gift of hearing her heart beat for a whole hour...for being able to feel her moving. I remember feeling like a little panicky as I tried to hang onto every beat and every movement...I can see now as I look back it was You telling me to soak it up...soak in the rhythm of her heart...I can still hear it...the teeny hand pushing back at mine...I can still feel it. She was alive...she was strong. We are thankful...thankful that she is forever protected in your arms and in our mourning we find traces of joy that we will see her soon.