Today I wake up feeling like I actually slept but I still feel so tired. My body needed to rest but my heart and mind are still very in-tune with what has happened...they don't rest. The weight of this is so heavy...hard to carry but the world keeps spinning and we are being drug along. I think we are in the surreal phase of this grief. Is this really happening? YES...it is...now what are you going to do with it? I don't like being sad...I don't like crying...I don't like the headache that hovers over me continually...I don't think I have any more tears...to know that the Lord has caught every tear comforts me.
Our precious babes...we try to hide our tears from them but they see them. They are each grieving in their own way. You see....they LOVED their baby girl fiercely....they dreamed about her...talked about her every day...every decision was based on 'when Zemirah comes home'...they had the bedrooms all figured out...they 'discussed' daily about who would get to sit near her in the car...who'd feed her...who'd change her...
I open the door of our room after 'the call' came..after I called Paul...our oldest daughter was sitting in the play room...she begins to panic...she can see it all over my face...Paul was on his way so we could tell the kids...her tears are flowing..."Mom...what's wrong? Please mommy...please tell me it's not about the baby...please mommy..." I call her into my room and we just hold each other and weep.
The grief was so intense it was suffocating...how are we suppose to tell the kids...it was just too hard but we manage to tell them what had happened to our girl. Over the next several days, we can see their sadness...we can see them trying to understand and process something that we can't even process.
~It's not fair! Zemirah never got a chance to live...that makes me really mad.
~How did she get to heaven? Who took her there? Will she stay in heaven forever?
~Daddy...I'm sad that our sister died.
~What did she look like?
~We're not just going to sit around here and cry all day, are we?
~Mom...(with crocodile tears falling)...can we keep Zemirah's stuff just in case she comes home?
~Mom, I wish our Zemirah wasn't dead because I know she would look so cute in that dress (a dress Jubilee was wearing). I want to see her wearing that dress.
~Mom, why does she have to be dead?
Their comments always come when we least expect it...just when I think we have a little peace and relief from hurting, one of them will say something. Even our little ones could grasp that she didn't have to be home in our arms to be ours.
Zemirah girl...you will forever be our daughter...forever be their sister...we love you so deeply...we hurt because you aren't here with us but rejoice that you are safe with the Lord. We can't wait to have you in our arms forever.