Prayer request...burying our girl...

In most situations, when a loved one passes away there typically aren't many concerns with burying them because the mortuary handles a lot of the 'behind the scenes' stuff. You are able to notify the family...plan the date....the ceremony... and begin to find closure even though you are left with a gaping hole in your heart. You at least walk away from the funeral having peace that their precious body has been buried with respect and love.

One of the hardest things for us to find closure in Zemirah's death is that her beautiful, little precious body is in a mortuary in Nevada and we have no legal rights to bring her home and bury her properly.  This has been extremely difficult for us.

We were coming to a place of acceptance when we received a phone call stating the mortuary had already buried her.  For a second, there was relief....then the reality of that started to sink in...when was she buried? who buried her? where is she buried? was she given a name? will we ever know where our daughter was buried?  A new depth of grieving has begun for us...none of this seems right...our baby girl was buried and we had no say in it...we have no idea where she is...this is almost too much to bare.

So, I sent our questions to our precious social worker. She had been in constant contact with the mortuary and we were all under the impression that they would keep her sweet body for 30 days while we tried to find the bmama so she could release her to us.  It has not be 30 days, so needless to say, we were shocked by that phone call on Friday telling us she was already buried.  Our sw has been making several phone calls.......and we just found out.....

Our little love has NOT been buried...she has NOT been given a legal name...she is now tied up in social services...YES...social services! We have bmama's consent and support in them releasing her to us BUT we need prayers that social services will release her to us so we can bring her home and bury her properly.

We've been told social services can take up to 90 days to determine her 'abandoned' and then we aren't sure what happens...I still can wrap my head around that...90 days?!?!?!?!   SHE'S NOT ABANDONED...WE WANT HER...WE LOVE HER...SHE IS OUR PRECIOUS BABY!!

Please my sweet friends...pray for the Lord's will and if it's His will that we get the honor of burying her, pray that social services will work quickly to allow us to bury our beautiful baby!!

In the midst of all of this we do have a bmama update:
She called a couple of days ago...what a relief to hear her voice. She is doing amazing!  She did receive the 'package' of love we sent her and was so incredibly blessed by it and all of you!

Still clinging to the joy of the Lord...still hurting...still missing our girl...still feeling like we won't ever be completely whole...BUT still trusting and loving our Lord...still hanging onto the hope that only He can give us...still resting in the peace that HE IS IN THIS!!!

2 weeks since 'the call'

Has it only been 2 weeks? 2 weeks since we received the devastating phone call about our precious Zemirah? 2 weeks ago we went from dreaming and planning to grieving and mourning. God has been so faithful to love us...give us peace and comfort...faithful to allow us to hurt but to never leave our sides. YOU my precious friends have stood faithfully in the gap and have laid us at Jesus' feet continually...thank you!

How are we?  We are still hurting...still missing her so much...there are moments that we are okay and moments where we can hardly breath...moments of happiness and moments of deep pain...moments of acceptance and moments of some serious fits ;)...moments of complete peace and moments of disbelief and frustration.

We are entering the time she was due...where all of our plans for Nov. and Dec. where based upon "when the baby gets here" or "all depends on when she arrives"...decisions we had already made because we thought she'd be here...decisions we were waiting to make because we weren't sure exactly when she'd arrive. And now we find ourselves re-deciding everything because she isn't coming home. :(  The sting of her death is a daily occurrence right now.

Our sweet little love, our arms ache so much to hold you.  You are in our every thought and dream.  Baby girl, we love you & want you so much it hurts but we know you are in the Father's arms and there is no safer place for you to be!

Joy comes in the morning...

Psalm 30:5b

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

This is a post I've been working on all week. I felt like the Lord was unfolding things for me to see...things for me to learn...things for my aching heart to grasp onto...

ever where I turn....
ever where I hear...
j o y....j-o-y...JOY....JOY...JOY

I see it on the beautiful canvas I had made to reflect the journeys to our babes...

I hear it in a story my husband shares of a friend who's baby also died young...April Joy...

I see it in a jewelry order for a sweet baby desperate for a life-saving heart surgery...Ivy Joy...

I hear it in every song....

I see it in several friends blog posts about counting it all joy...

I hear the word echo in my head all day long and all night long...

I see it in a sign I didn't even know I had...

It's every where..."I'm trying to see it Lord..I'm trying...but it's so hard! Where is the joy in this....I know you are showing me but I'm just having a hard time grasping it."

Joy: Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.....ummm, ya...so not ecstatic right now!!!

There is definitely no "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, where? down in my heart..." going on over here!!

Then I realize something...more like the Lord was uncovering my eyes to show me...There is NOT joy in Zemirah's death...so stop trying to find joy in her death. But there IS joy 'down' in my heart because no matter what...I HAVE THE JOY OF THE LORD in my life!!!!  There is joy in Zemirah's little life...joy that she is forever safe...joy that we will love her forever...joy that she IS and will forever be our daughter...joy that we WILL see her and hold her for eternity!

From a sweet friends blog: I have decided to joyfully accept whatever the Lord allows in my life.

I will accept His joy...His joy is my strength...I may still hurt but I trust Him...

My beautiful joyous melody...my precious Zemirah Joylena...we miss you...you are ours FOREVER...you will be in our hearts for eternity...our hearts will never be completely whole until we are all united together in heaven.  We still weep for you our little love but have joy in knowing that we will see you soon.

the kids grieve....

Today I wake up feeling like I actually slept but I still feel so tired.  My body needed to rest but my heart and mind are still very in-tune with what has happened...they don't rest. The weight of this is so heavy...hard to carry but the world keeps spinning and we are being drug along. I think we are in the surreal phase of this grief. Is this really happening? YES...it is...now what are you going to do with it? I don't like being sad...I don't like crying...I don't like the headache that hovers over me continually...I don't think I have any more tears...to know that the Lord has caught every tear comforts me.

Our precious babes...we try to hide our tears from them but they see them. They are each grieving in their own way. You see....they LOVED their baby girl fiercely....they dreamed about her...talked about her every day...every decision was based on 'when Zemirah comes home'...they had the bedrooms all figured out...they 'discussed' daily about who would get to sit near her in the car...who'd feed her...who'd change her...

I open the door of our room after 'the call' came..after I called Paul...our oldest daughter was sitting in the play room...she begins to panic...she can see it all over my face...Paul was on his way so we could tell the kids...her tears are flowing..."Mom...what's wrong?  Please mommy...please tell me it's not about the baby...please mommy..." I call her into my room and we just hold each other and weep.

The grief was so intense it was suffocating...how are we suppose to tell the kids...it was just too hard but we manage to tell them what had happened to our girl.  Over the next several days, we can see their sadness...we can see them trying to understand and process something that we can't even process.

~It's not fair! Zemirah never got a chance to live...that makes me really mad.

~How did she get to heaven?  Who took her there? Will she stay in heaven forever?

~Daddy...I'm sad that our sister died.

~What did she look like?

~We're not just going to sit around here and cry all day, are we?

~Mom...(with crocodile tears falling)...can we keep Zemirah's stuff just in case she comes home?

~Mom, I wish our Zemirah wasn't dead because I know she would look so cute in that dress (a dress Jubilee was wearing). I want to see her wearing that dress.

~Mom, why does she have to be dead?

Their comments always come when we least expect it...just when I think we have a little peace and relief from hurting, one of them will say something.  Even our little ones could grasp that she didn't have to be home in our arms to be ours.

Zemirah girl...you will forever be our daughter...forever be their sister...we love you so deeply...we hurt because you aren't here with us but rejoice that you are safe with the Lord. We can't wait to have you in our arms forever.

Beauty and Joy in this...

"I want to believe there's beauty here...where Lord...where is the beauty...where is the joy?"

Then He gently whispers to me, "The beauty was in the life I created. Beauty is in the life that I brought home and is dancing around my throne. Remember...you named her Zemirah which means joyous melody...the beauty is in her joyous song.  The beauty is in your deep love for her...in her daddy's love for her...in her brother's and sister's love and longing for her to come home...in her family...in your friends love and weeping for her..."

It truly amazes me the conversations you can have with the Lord while you are sleeping. He is speaking so clearly.  He isn't removing all of the pain so we can grieve her but He is in the grieving...molding us...directing us...giving us peace and strength while allowing the pain.

Truths I cling to today...beautiful wisdom from friends:

*She was your baby. If she wasn't yours, whose was she? God gave her to you to love and to mourn her passing properly, who else would that tiny one have had if not you. So you cry and weep and what a privilege it is to do so in glory to God and in honor of her.

*She is loved and she is wanted... she was never an orphan because God gave her to her forever family and one day she will be united with her mama, with her daddy, and her brothers and sisters for all eternity and nothing will be able to separate you again...

Father, thank you for the short time we had dreaming of our girl...praying for our girl...thank you for giving me the most amazing beautiful gift of hearing her heart beat for a whole hour...for being able to feel her moving. I remember feeling like a little panicky as I tried to hang onto every beat and every movement...I can see now as I look back it was You telling me to soak it up...soak in the rhythm of her heart...I can still hear it...the teeny hand pushing back at mine...I can still feel it. She was alive...she was strong. We are thankful...thankful that she is forever protected in your arms and in our mourning we find traces of joy that we will see her soon.

The day after....

We are so blessed by your love and your support as our hearts are hurting. We have read every blog comment...every fb post and prayer...you have no idea how much those are sustaining us...we have an army flooding the gates of heaven on our behalf and the Lord is answering your prayers.  

So much of this doesn't even seem real. 48 hours ago, we were nesting...we were preparing for our baby girl that was to be born soon...at 11:54 am yesterday all of that came to an end..."Can I come over...I want to talk to you in person...." "what...what's wrong" ... "she's gone Stacy...she's with Jesus" ... 

12 hours later...it's midnight...I'm exhausted...I'm in shock...I need to sleep...I want to sleep if only for a bit because that would mean I wouldn't feel this pain...I was wrong...that was the most painful night I've ever had...I tossed and turned all night...was I awake or asleep...I'm still not sure...I had the song Need You Now by Plumb playing over and over in my head...I found myself with every turn crying out to the Lord...I NEED YOU NOW...I need you now Jesus...

He is meeting us here...He is loving us...comforting us...I know we have to go through this process but it sucks...

Up and out of bed 5 hours later...I'm going running with my girls this morning...my prayer warriors but I decide I just can't do it so we ditched our run and cried over pancakes ;) LOVE you girls...thank you for crying with me...thank you for sitting quietly...thank you for the laughter.

Now what for the rest of this day...a boutique...bleck...I have to try to pull myself together and go to a boutique....I just emailed the below message to a precious friend...one of the very first one's to hear about our girl...to cry with me...to pray for us...

i was so sad to hear that you came today and i wasn't here...the last place i wanted to be was at that boutique...it was so hard to be there...hard to smile and share our story....hard to see people i know and cry all over again...so painful to share my 'sample' jewelry that had my Zemirah's name and the word 'joy' all over it...i went for my trinity...my sweet girl who crafted her heart out last week...my sweet girl who is really struggling with all of this...trying to give her something normal or distracting while all along i wanted to be home holding my babes and in my hubby's arms.

i'm exhausted...my emotions are all over the place...sobbing...angry...despairing...to feeling nothing at all...back to weeping for my baby girl....this sucks!!!!

then i walk in the front door and my beautiful friend who knows me better than she thinks she does brought me my comfort food...left me a precious letter...i love you...thank you for loving on me...thank you for recognizing she was our baby even though she was never in our arms!!!

Our precious Lord is here with us...He is comforting us...He is bringing us answers to some of our 'why's'...He is here!  He is using many of you to remind us that He is in this.

Devastated...our girl....

Our hearts are deeply hurting...

Our dreams of our sweet babe in our arms have been destroyed...

Our precious baby Zemirah is in the arms of Jesus.

She went home to be with the Lord on Sunday, October 7th.

We are all aching but we are trusting in the Lord's plan and His will.

We are confused...trying to understand while knowing we will most likely never understand...

We are stuck in a place of uncertainty...what do we do now?  We went from the excitement of planning for the arrival of our joy girl and in an instance, all of that has stopped and has been replaced with deep hurt....

No words...just aching right now....

Waiting on the Lord...

You know...waiting is NOT my favorite thing to do! And for anyone that has traveled down the road of adoption knows exactly what I'm talking about.  It's hard to wait...you wait on your spouse, you wait on your paperwork, you wait on your agency, you wait on your country or birthmother...wait, wait, wait, and WAIT some more!!!

With all this waiting, you'd think I would be very productive and get something done but nope....I sit around and wait....which is a lot like waiting for a pot of water to boil...GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN and do something for crying out loud! But no...I sit there watching the pot of water...I get excited when even the tiniest bubble floats to the top then I get grumpy when no more bubbles appear

...but WAIT...I see something happening at the bottom....stink, nothing!  I turn away for a minute and lots of baby bubbles begin to form but nothing major...COME ON!!!! I want the roaring, big, bubbly bubbles....let's get this thing on the road so I don't have to wait any more!

Then my sweet Lord gently whispers to my soul, "Wait on me...trust in me...put your hope in my promises...be strong my sweet girl... persevere...endure...for what I have for you is far greater than you can imagine. If I show it to you now, the best part of the blessing will be spoiled...trust Me, it's worth the wait"

Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

I love the second part of the verse....he's like...'HEELLLOO...YES.....I SAID WAIT FOR THE LORD!!!'

The journey to our precious Zemirah has us in an unusual waiting period...we don't know for sure when our girl is due...could be 6 weeks...could be 10 weeks...long complicated story so we wait and we just may be very surprised when she decides to arrive :) We are ready and excited...bmama is ready and excited.  So we wait...and wait....and wait....trusting in God's perfect will and timing...trusting that His ways are not mine!  Waiting for the big, beautiful, bubbly bubble :)

After I wrote this post I was telling a friend that I was praying that she would find joy in the wait, the Lord immediately spoke to my heart...I'm talking goosebumps and then tears...We have said all along that the word to best describe our journey to Zemirah would be JOY.  With all that has taken place these last couple weeks...things I can't share...but concerns for her safety...I found myself thinking, "Lord where is the joy in this?"  God so clearly spoke to me this morning through my prayers for my friend..it was crystal clear...FIND JOY IN THE WAIT STACY!!!  FIND JOY IN THE WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!

"Step back and see"

The Lord quickly spoke to my heart today as I was tying to manage our 3-ring circus school day...some days are smooth sailing...some days I'm a ping pong ball bouncing from one kid to the next...today...I was a ping pong ball with a spin ;P

He whispered, "Step back and see....see what a blessing this is....this will only last a short season so soak it in now!"

I did...I stood back...grabbed my camera...I honestly could not believe what I saw through my camera lens...children everywhere...MY CHILDREN everywhere...my treasures...my gifts from the Lord...what a blessed mama I am....

Even if the 14 month old is sitting the middle of the table eating crayons and coloring in everyone's school books...

THIS IS WHY I HOMESCHOOL!!!
To be with my kids...for my kids to be with each other!!

To embrace that the 'lesson' is in the baby...the 'lesson' is how to minister to each other...

Lord, thank you for this amazing reminder...Thank you for gently telling me to step back and to see all that you have blessed me with...thank you for allowing all of these firecracker children to be ours...thank you for calling us to homeschool......

HER name ... 12 weeks to go ...

Yes...HER name...I realized I have been neglecting my blog...stupid facebook ;)

We found out our sweet one is going to be a girl.  We are so excited!!

Then commences the name game...Paul and I take naming our kids very seriously and it usually takes us FOREVER....and EVER....and EVER!!!!

As we were talking through names, I decide to reflect on what one word represented each journey to our kiddos and here is what I came up with....

Timothy - LOVE

God had blessed us with great love for each other and we wanted to have a child to share that with...

Trinity - HOPE

our hearts longed for another baby & every part of our being desperately hoped for another child.

Isaac - PATIENCE

his journey was a test of patience because I nearly went crazy every day waiting for 'the call'

Cana - ENDURANCE

endurance is just the tip of the iceberg with her journey but we continually felt challenged to endure her journey in a way that would honor the Lord...even when we were hurting so deeply.

Solomon - PEACE
we knew from the very beginning that we were going to need to be at the feet of Jesus the entire time clinging to the peace that He promised He'd give for the journey ahead us.
Sarah - TRUST
Her story is super unique and we've chosen to keep much of it private for now but we knew the only way we would survive her journey was to put ALL of our trust in the Lord...that His plans were perfect...

Jubilee - CELEBRATION

our journey was short to our sweet Jubilee...our surprise girl...we weren't in the adoption process...then the phone rang with the most amazing news...all we could talk about was how happy we were...the celebration of this sweet one has been incredible

As I was showing this to Paul, he started to write down the fruits of the spirit...it was amazing how it was all lining up...CRAZY COOL!  EXCEPT the 9th fruit of the spirit...

self-control...SERIOUSLY!! Well...that is a post for another day!!!!!!! Grrrrr...LOL...

Back to our sweet girl....
We have about 12 weeks until her due date...

We finally have a name...

We are becoming more attached to her every day...

The word that continually comes to us as we dream of our girl is...

JOY

She will be called....

Zemirah means 'joyous melody'...
Joylena...Lena is our precious bmama's name...
Jubilee's middle name is Lena after her bmama...
God made it crystal clear that her middle name would be Joylena...

Beautiful, precious Zemirah, we can't wait to hold you in our arms. We love you so much!!!